Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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