I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
