Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
