I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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