I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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