He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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