At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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