so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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