Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
