sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
