no, he came in my armpit
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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