Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Actions speak louder than pants.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
