I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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