You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
