She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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