I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize