Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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