I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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