Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
