Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
