A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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