i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
