He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
