Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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