Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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