Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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