I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
