god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
