Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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