I skipped work to stalk him.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
