Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
