Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
