Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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