Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
