Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
