Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
