Whatcha textin bout Willis?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Randomize