if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
