i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
