This house was built for laser tag.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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