I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
