I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize