evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
