i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
