She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
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