can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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