you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
