I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
