I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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