I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
