Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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