Already got asked if we're dating
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
