Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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