At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize