So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
