His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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