Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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