New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
