so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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