She even gives head with a lisp.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
